(Practice Makes… Progress)
D and I have been married for what I’d consider a pretty impressive amount of time — almost fourteen years. That’s not nothing. That’s over a decade of shared grocery lists, silent car rides, inside jokes, heated whisper-fights at family functions, and laughing way too hard at things no one else would find funny.
From the outside, I think a lot of our friends see us and assume our marriage is easy. We really do get along. We genuinely like each other — and not just in a “you’re my spouse so I have to” kind of way. We’re best friends. But I always make sure to say this out loud:
It. Takes. Work.
We choose each other every day. Some days, that choice is easier than others. Yes, D has his mental health challenges… but let’s not overlook the fact that he also comes fully loaded with a whole personality — complete with niche interests, strong dislikes, and an uncanny ability to remember every movie quote he’s ever heard. And me? I would not want to live with me. I’m messy, I forget important things constantly, and I can go from calm to full gremlin screech in under 3 seconds. I have my own trauma, my own flaws, and my own very specific way of doing everything that is, frankly, not always “helpful.”
But we’ve learned to communicate. Not perfectly — just better. Those first years of marriage were rough. We were young, overwhelmed, and suddenly responsible for a tiny human while still trying to figure each other out. New parenthood doesn’t exactly come with a manual — and neither does marriage. We were learning how to navigate our roles, our baggage, and our completely different communication styles… all on no sleep.
We’ve learned that how you say something can matter more than what you’re saying.
Sometimes D picks up on my mood before I do and says, “You’re screeching.” That’s usually our cue to pause and take a breath. Other times, I’ll just blurt out, “I’m upset and I don’t know why,” and he gives me space without needing to fix it. No dramatics. No defensiveness. Just quiet understanding — which took years to figure out, by the way.
We still fight — don’t get me wrong — just less often, and with more awareness.
We’ve learned that relationships (all of them — not just romantic ones) only work if both people are willing to do the work. Friends, siblings, partners, parents — it all requires effort.
We try to teach our kids this lesson, too. That love is not just a feeling, it’s a practice. And I’m so glad I found someone who’s still showing up to practice with me.
Why Are We Crying? 